something small

I said yes.
It was a simple choice really. I decided anytime someone asked me to do something and my gut reaction was no- I would say yes. (This excludes any illegal/inappropriate behavior, naturally)
Since I hadn't be able to find my own open doors perhaps all the avoided opportunities were the right ones?

A lady that is close to me suggested I do this favor; a road trip to Virginia to deposit a visiting missionary's car and then meeting with the organizations staff. My gut said no because I am not the missionary type and driving is my third least favorite thing(1.sweating 2.using public restrooms).
But I readily said yes, and even got myself a little excited; should be a beautiful drive, never been to Virginia. As I was making preparation something seemed off, can't pinpoint it but this lady seemed guarded, indecisive and (gulp) long-winded.
But still I was committed, I thought God will use this opportunity in unknown ways, I will trust that. And I had plenty of  time, what could it hurt.

5 days, 1 meeting, 6 phone calls and 3 texts later and I'm not going.
But it wasn't me-it was her that backed out!
I kept saying yes every time I wanted to say no, gracefully and respectfully. She was kind to me and began being more transparent. Hesitancy is often insecurity. Ultimately it had to do with finances as my flight was quite expensive but I do wonder....
if He is just tenderly watching something small grow.

chop.season.roast

I need to follow the recipe.
This is what I think to myself as I make our family dinner. But I add more paprika, garlic, coriander and a little honey. I squeeze lime juice all over the steak. I am using taste I like, assuming they will work. I cook it longer that it says, it doesn't look right yet.

Logically you would think I would learn that recipes work for a reason. But something in me- when faced with seemingly endless options(spices, herbs, marinades/ grill, bake, fry)-wants to try them all.

 

How can I decide that is indeed the best combination?

Its the narrowing down that overwhelms me. As soon as I really allow myself to dream big an avalanche of possible pursuits roll into every thought. I keep a notebook of possible business ideas. I currently have 3 pages, endless options(blog+online business, overseas work, retail store, nonprofit management, event planning) When I list fears I can't seem to get past the biggest- which way, which one?
My mind sees opportunities in low income neighborhoods, in retail developments, in overseas ministries....and I don't have the means (or skills frankly) to just #start on my own.
I pray God will open a door or put an arrow in my focus but I have been praying that for some time - perhaps there is a recipe already written that I'm just not following?

less is more

One must return to the beginning to truly understand the story.

I'll admit I lost interest in blogging. It seems like everyone in the world became a blogger.
 And actually thought people would want to spend 5-10 min reading about them. It just seemed so...selfish. I couldn't imagine I'd have that much to say or the world  needed one more voice giving their opinion. No offense if any blogger ever reads this...I'm sure your perspective is valid. Props.
Its kinda my tattoo theory- what do I need to say that will be forever?

At this point, I'm here working through a program I started to challenge me to do things that make me uncomfortable. To pursue what is in my heart and head. {And some people graciously want to support my wanderings...}

less talking more action card
made by me

For the record some life changes have occurred:
1-quit job, applied to overseas positions
2-sold my stuff
3-drove a uhaul! back home to  rural GA
4-didn't get any overseas positions/fellowships
5-temporary home in GA has now been several months..ANXIOUS
6-unexpectedly started volunteering at women's homeless shelter
7-asked to create logo/branding for shelter and partner ministry
8-have enjoyed much needed quality time with family
9-wanting to have own business? or at very least develop products overseas and have made some very small steps- check prettywittybright.com

naturally

On talk radio the other week I heard a musician talk about why he liked certain instruments. He said the ukulele was an interesting one because it was impossible to make sad, it just had a joy to it naturally. It was such a great thought that I, someone that does not listen to or care for music, decided to learn to play the uke(as she will now be referred to).

Yes, I bought the kit, because I am tone deaf so this will be a challenge. But as one who struggles with a seriousness, and a bit of sadness lately I figured it was time to be open to ideas I do not like and let some irreverent fun & lightness in. (Its so not my nature!) Here's hoping.

for you

I have been here before, one of my few entries here was lent a few years ago. It is oh so very interesting to read that now because frankly I'm not as changed as I would like to be..still struggling with the same ghost I suppose. Curious how many people spend these 40 days giving up something. Also curious about what you think it means. I had a discussion the other night with a friend about this. It was Fat Tuesday so we willingly went to our local Mexican place to get fat! (Well worth it btw) She explained how she believed it was a time to give up something that got in our way of hearing/seeing God, an idol if you will. For me, reality TV. I guess I had always thought of it as something we give up as a sacrifice, to show our faithfulness. Like I love you this much I'll give up my favorite food. I am certainly over thinking this but I rather like that 40, starts with For(in my head).

As in, this my Father is For you.

I'm am not schooled in this, I do not know if there is a 'right way' to think of it(who am I kidding of course people have rules in religion but sometimes..blah) but I do believe this is a great time to be DESPERATE for something/someone your life depends on. I am.

just because

Because I believe that love is more than a holiday.

Because I see love most in the smallest of gestures.

Because I am a follower of an impossible love story.

I'll wait. 

Arm-erd

Change is annoying, sweetly defining and necessary. You see I can be incredibly hard headed and unyielding, so certain that I can keep going in the wrong direction to make a point. Even if I know I need some help rarely do I ask (Its weird, am I really just a guy driver?). 
Some changes have occurred lately in my life and possibly more to come, I've been resisting that wanting somehow to predict/control/lessen them. I mean who doesn't, right?
This past Sunday Sin was the topic of discussion. Exciting I know. The point that I came to focus on was this "shame is a lie that changes who we are."
There are many more statements that lead you from sin to shame(and I recommend you check them out at midtown fellowship) but that is what I heard, down deep.
My first thought, "Are you kidding? What am I ashamed of? I'm a good person. Not a saint, but good. That's not me." But pretty soon I had tears in my eyes. I had been listening to lies about myself - you aren't successful, you aren't at all worthy, you aren't lovable-and it had changed me and made me ashamed.  Stronger still was my fear to admit it.

Pastor Randy asked  us to come take communion and for those struggling to kneel and lay it all down(as NEEDTOBREATHE would say). If we needed help we could cross our arms across our chest and someone would just pray for us. I got up, got in line -still so hard headed- when I got to the front I knelt and put ONE arm across my chest. It was literally a fight in my head and heart and I guess it came out as a tie. Gratefully, it was Pastor Randy there in front of me and he asked, does this mean you want me to pray for you? I nodded and he said many wonderful things, but most importantly He said what I needed to hear in his first sentence-"Your father wants you to know.. 

You are not alone. You were created with meaning and you are a favorite child that I value with my life."

That was enough for me. Maybe you don't have to have the answer to feel better. Maybe I should ask for help more often. Maybe the ugly cry I had after that was just the beginning of more changes. What was beautiful was that even though I could only give one arm due to pride/shame/control, He still gave me what I needed to hear. I am still trying to give both arms...(which to top it off, means  I love you in sign language)