Thursday, July 8, 2010

Fake expectations

" I went to sleep and dreamed my whole life, now I'm just waiting for it to happen." me, age 10

Besides being a ominous sign of the next 20 years of my life, this is one of the sole sources of my condition of expectation.
Throughout my friendships, counseling books, bible studies and(the mecca of human behavior analysis)retail, I've yet to fully grasp why we expect so much or little as the case may be.
Why we like to write the night before it happens or predict disinterest before it shows up.
I know control hides out in the foundation of this but it certainly feels like more. Disappointment sucks.  Its the thing I try to avoid the most and why...its not what I dreamed? That's just crazy talk , right?

I tend to find myself feeling this little flicker of a feeling on more days than I care to note.
There are tangible moments ...and I don't even know why I'm disappointed/surprised/flattered....It really takes me time to think about it...and then convince myself to not think about again.
Is it ingrained, taught, fostered, created...or is it a defensive act to show preparation?
Is it stopping me?

Do we all have these fake expectations--or are we all simply  either a disappointment to some and a joy to others?
Truthfully- my expectations have been surpassed as many times as they have fallen...kind gestures in adverse situations, thoughtfulness from an absent mind, even success in a oppressive environment....but this is still an alteration on the advanced plan I had for this specific moment.

We create our expectations. We make people into characters, moments into meaning, words into feelings. If I'm disappointed its because I wrote the story differently from how God wrote it. (ahem and He is a best seller.) So I guess its time to edit.