Sunday, April 11, 2010

Spring of my content

Something about being home. Where memories infiltrate your senses at the local bakery, the river's edge, the front porch.
Being in a place where you made plans and dreamed of more. Where you decided who you want to be and how you want to live. 
An emotional split screen moment - me, as a  17 y/o girl and me as a 34 y/o woman.
(This is where I would insert a picture but the internet lives forever and I'm not going to do it;)

Some things are not that terribly different, some things are. I have a better car(green fiero- silver jetta), hairstyle(ok thats subjective) and sense of self now. My legs are not the dancers of before, and my skin shouldn't see any more sun. I was hopelessly romantic, now I'm hopelessly doubtful. I still say ma'am and sir. Though I've found faster paces I still believe in a nice stroll and conversation.
Its here where I see most clearly the life I chose not to have....and more than I care to admit, I question it.  I think about my family, my life and how different it would be if ......but I trust God works even when I have my blinders on.
One thing for sure, the love for my family grows exponentially. We went to the coast and walked on the shore, ate fresh seafood and enjoyed one another. I finally learned how to make mom's biscuits. I finished two books in the home where I've read hundreds. I found an old letter that broke my heart. I slept safe, without a care. I made efforts to see people that can speak to who I've always been.
Most importantly I've come round to find contentment in a town, for a time I wanted distance from.

Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived light in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done?

Matthew Arnold