Sunday, April 11, 2010

Spring of my content

Something about being home. Where memories infiltrate your senses at the local bakery, the river's edge, the front porch.
Being in a place where you made plans and dreamed of more. Where you decided who you want to be and how you want to live. 
An emotional split screen moment - me, as a  17 y/o girl and me as a 34 y/o woman.
(This is where I would insert a picture but the internet lives forever and I'm not going to do it;)

Some things are not that terribly different, some things are. I have a better car(green fiero- silver jetta), hairstyle(ok thats subjective) and sense of self now. My legs are not the dancers of before, and my skin shouldn't see any more sun. I was hopelessly romantic, now I'm hopelessly doubtful. I still say ma'am and sir. Though I've found faster paces I still believe in a nice stroll and conversation.
Its here where I see most clearly the life I chose not to have....and more than I care to admit, I question it.  I think about my family, my life and how different it would be if ......but I trust God works even when I have my blinders on.
One thing for sure, the love for my family grows exponentially. We went to the coast and walked on the shore, ate fresh seafood and enjoyed one another. I finally learned how to make mom's biscuits. I finished two books in the home where I've read hundreds. I found an old letter that broke my heart. I slept safe, without a care. I made efforts to see people that can speak to who I've always been.
Most importantly I've come round to find contentment in a town, for a time I wanted distance from.

Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived light in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done?

Matthew Arnold


  1. WOW...
    I just found your blog and I am totally blown away by what I am reading. Your words speak so much truth and transparency. So true...from what we thought our lives "would" be and "could've" been to what they are.....either good or bad. I too have so many fond memories of HOME....and yet, I find it difficult to go back. I have been in that place of finding a letter and completely being taken back 17 years like it was a moment ago and feeling the utter heartbreak like it had just happened. You were always someone I thought that not just had a beautiful exterior, but a true, honest beautiful interior as well. I hope you are well. I so much have enjoyed your writings. Take care.
    Brandy Piland Williamson