Friday, February 24, 2012


On talk radio the other week I heard a musician talk about why he liked certain instruments. He said the ukulele was an interesting one because it was impossible to make sad, it just had a joy to it naturally. It was such a great thought that I, someone that does not listen to or care for music, decided to learn to play the uke(as she will now be referred to).

Yes, I bought the kit, because I am tone deaf so this will be a challenge. But as one who struggles with a seriousness, and a bit of sadness lately I figured it was time to be open to ideas I do not like and let some irreverent fun & lightness in. (Its so not my nature!) Here's hoping.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

for you

I have been here before, one of my few entries here was lent a few years ago. It is oh so very interesting to read that now because frankly I'm not as changed as I would like to be..still struggling with the same ghost I suppose. Curious how many people spend these 40 days giving up something. Also curious about what you think it means. I had a discussion the other night with a friend about this. It was Fat Tuesday so we willingly went to our local Mexican place to get fat! (Well worth it btw) She explained how she believed it was a time to give up something that got in our way of hearing/seeing God, an idol if you will. For me, reality TV. I guess I had always thought of it as something we give up as a sacrifice, to show our faithfulness. Like I love you this much I'll give up my favorite food. I am certainly over thinking this but I rather like that 40, starts with For(in my head).
As in, this my Father is For you.
I'm am not schooled in this, I do not know if there is a 'right way' to think of it(who am I kidding of course people have rules in religion but sometimes..blah) but I do believe this is a great time to be DESPERATE for something/someone your life depends on. I am.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

just because

Because I believe that love is more than a holiday.
Because I see love most in the smallest of gestures.
Because I am a follower of an impossible love story.
I'll wait. 

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


Change is annoying, sweetly defining and necessary. You see I can be incredibly hard headed and unyielding, so certain that I can keep going in the wrong direction to make a point. Even if I know I need some help rarely do I ask (Its weird, am I really just a guy driver?). 
Some changes have occurred lately in my life and possibly more to come, I've been resisting that wanting somehow to predict/control/lessen them. I mean who doesn't, right?
This past Sunday Sin was the topic of discussion. Exciting I know. The point that I came to focus on was this "shame is a lie that changes who we are."
There are many more statements that lead you from sin to shame(and I recommend you check them out at midtown fellowship) but that is what I heard, down deep.
My first thought, "Are you kidding? What am I ashamed of? I'm a good person. Not a saint, but good. That's not me." But pretty soon I had tears in my eyes. I had been listening to lies about myself - you aren't successful, you aren't at all worthy, you aren't lovable-and it had changed me and made me ashamed.  Stronger still was my fear to admit it.

Pastor Randy asked  us to come take communion and for those struggling to kneel and lay it all down(as NEEDTOBREATHE would say). If we needed help we could cross our arms across our chest and someone would just pray for us. I got up, got in line -still so hard headed- when I got to the front I knelt and put ONE arm across my chest. It was literally a fight in my head and heart and I guess it came out as a tie. Gratefully, it was Pastor Randy there in front of me and he asked, does this mean you want me to pray for you? I nodded and he said many wonderful things, but most importantly He said what I needed to hear in his first sentence-"Your father wants you to know.. 
You are not alone. You were created with meaning and you are a favorite child that I value with my life."

That was enough for me. Maybe you don't have to have the answer to feel better. Maybe I should ask for help more often. Maybe the ugly cry I had after that was just the beginning of more changes. What was beautiful was that even though I could only give one arm due to pride/shame/control, He still gave me what I needed to hear. I am still trying to give both arms...(which to top it off, means  I love you in sign language)