Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Exfoliate.Rinse.Repeat as Necessary.

Thou shalt fight as a flower fighteth upwards through the stones to
flower in the sun at last...
D.H Lawrence

On this first day of spring Wikipedia tells me what to expect.
(Transition period. Rebirth, renewal and regrowth.)

Trina Paulas gives me hope.
(Caterpillar. More. Butterfly.)

And I feel ..well exfoliated.

Throughout this period much shedding seems to be occurring in many areas of my life...

Some of it by choice, some to my resistance and most for the better. I am always at battle with my skin. I will never be satisfied with the way it looks or the way I can't seem to conceal my flaws. So the chance of sanding it off for something better is more than appealing..and slightly irritating.

In Life I'm at the great layer(that I often get to before the burn) where I'm reading fantastic books, forgoing(some) tv for crafting, spending time with God and setting some plans in action. I don't really have many goals I've set in life which most people find shocking. I just always thought I was supposed to live and do what God led me to do. If I expected or planned anything I thought it would just fail. Though I can't tell you the origin of that thinking I can say its been nice..(seeing the world as wide open with chance) and limiting..(but how do I choose). On any given day I could agree to do missions and move away, start a retail store, get married, adopt kids, become a nun, write a novel or run for office. I know, you see that as perhaps indicative of a mental illness...but what I get from that is I'm not looking for happiness or purpose. I've got it, Thank God.What I do will never matter as much as who I am. I just need to get better aim(or gps).

I'm hoping this scrub down will be a bit more lasting than my other attempts. Removing tough, damaged skin makes me more sensitive, prone to being burned and I'm not comfortable that way...But I suppose if I wanted to be comfortable I would be a person that wears sweats or crocs...and that I would never do;)

Monday, March 8, 2010

Seeing is believing

Over this glorious weekend I've had quite a few revelations...
1-I am living the same relationships over and over.
2-I'm digging chocolate cereal. Chocolate chex, chocolate cheerios.. its all kind of amazing.
3-For all my judgements of unhealthy relationships...I don't always bring healthy to the table.

It isn't kind to cultivate a friendship just so one will have an audience.
Lawanna Blackwell

19 days in and I've already stumbled.
No huge shocker I suppose, as I am quite familiar with the odds of me altering myself so ....easily.
Confession: I spent some time with some of those I was to be giving up.

Its strange because it wasn't as if I missed them so much as I was so used to the life and activities we created that I didn't want to miss that.
Funny thing is I realized I'm just as guilty as them for what our relationships have become.
I need to give up myself.
Since my days in high school (voted the friendliest, thank you) I have always had a way of befriending most anyone. No cliques, age, fashion choice, political party(ahem) could detract me from wanting to know people. This has always led to me have a variety of friends....which I think is somewhat good. I knew me...I wanted to know more than me. I was especially intrigued by strays...those brand new or without strong affiliation. Simply, those that wanted to be known. (I use the term stray as affectionately as possible...)
I've met a ton of fantastic people through this process but it has landed me in the same situation in most every city.... some friendships that make me feel tired, angry, lukewarm and sometimes lonely.
A friend (yes, I call God that) gently pointed out that fingerprints of my friends were all over me...which is such a beautiful image ....except for the smudgy, needy, greedy, doubtful ones that were just as prominent as the strong, funny, kind, faithful ones.
And I see that people change us all the time, leave their imprint in such a way as to cause us to see with great joy or great bitterness.
So now I'm being selective with my emotional real estate....and my time. God and I have had some great moments now that I've got more moments to give him. I know He gave me the curiosity to know many and love much. I still want to favour as many strays as possible...but who I am has to be clearly visible through the fingerprints. And more importantly, I should be certain of what story my prints leave behind.