Friday, February 26, 2010

Castle made of sand

It went better than I thought.
Telling someone you are giving them up for 40 days can be a bit harsh..but he understood me and my motivations so well it made me sad, determined and a little more confused.
See for most-unhealthy means abusive, derogatory and/or manipulative. Sadly, I believe in that definition but I also know the stealth unhealthy...the kind that makes you tired to be around them(more on this another time), the kind that somehow influences your views, conversations and free time. The one in your life you haven't been with for two years but you still feel emeshed with and though you say you are ready for a relationship...he is still the one you are in a relationship with.

Now mind you I can flip a thought or relationship over and over in my head, washing all the depth and meaning off like the tide rolling away the sand. So what I consider unhealthy others might not...and vice versa.
Oddly, we both get we need this evaluation time....for two people that are as "fundamentally different" as we are, we have to know if this is just comfortable for us now. We all do this sometimes...this staying because its easy, its familiar and because we think we are too old/too picky/too busy to try again with someone new.
It makes it a little easier because (as God would have it)...he is out of town for the next month. Currently I'm anxious, more than a little sad and already becoming more introspective(that could be trouble)...I'm thankful for friends that lighten my load, laugh at me and keep me sane. In 24 hrs I've learned I am so appreciative of the way in which someone can know me and my tremendous quirks and pursuit of truth and still love me with such depth.

Monday, February 22, 2010

the way we were

Wouldn't it be lovely if we were old? We'd have survived all this.
And everything would be easy and uncomplicated, the way it was when we were young- Katie, It was never uncomplicated. But it was lovely, wasn't it? Yes, It was lovely.

In my quest of facing my relationships it just so happened facebook was the mirror to my most unhealthiest of all.
There HE was in the right column, my friend suggestion....and after a quick thought I clicked on him.... and its funny how something can seem soooo long ago and yet so recent....The ring on his finger didn't hurt like I thought it would.. it just made him look like a totally different person, not the person I had always imagined him to be. And as all the memories, words and choices came like colored flashes in my mind a familiar feeling was in my stomach...regret.
(And this is the part no one says or agrees with)...I regret the choices I made.
I realize that those choices made me who I am...but I still think I need to regret them to make sure I never do them to you not regret touching a hot stove and burning yourself?
Yes, for a time it was grand...until I let it come between the most important things to me. I'm not trying to be overly dramatic but from a girl that has had a few long term relationships..there are no other regrets. No other times where I did not know, nor like at the end, who I was.
I have to say there is no blame here...many times two healthy people can come together and become very unhealthy...its just the mixing of wrong ingredients...and in comparison I'm proud of who I have become...the choices I have made and how the 'unhealthy' in my life now is so much tamer than that.
So far this experiment has made me realize why my 'healthy' has been set where it is in my life...and why, for a season, my light was dimmed.
Now the enrichment so many bring to my life far outweighs those that might diminish.
And to you, your girl is lovely.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Giving up the ghosts

Yes, I stole that from Brandi Carlile....but I like to consider her AMAZING show the other night my inspiration point so all forgiven, right? .. more on that a bit later..

This is the time of year when many people give up 'bad' things/choices/people for a certain amount of time for a type of penitence. Being raised a Baptist I never experienced Ash Wednesday and Lent....though I have always been quite curious about the ritual. So, just as life would have it...inspiration and action coincided....and I am one day into giving up my ghosts.

Tuesday. It started on a cold night in a warm theater hearing a skilled voice telling the truth in such a way you couldn't not hear it. It reminded me we are all simply and grandly storytellers. Some of us much more resistant to share and in return less prone to live. So, being inspired by talent and truth I decided to find a way to clean out some tangled thoughts and start piecing together my story.
(I was kinda hoping I've have some time before I actually had to do that.)

Wednesday. Yep. The very next night I got together with some new friends for a weekly study and much to my surprise we had an intimate 'Ash Wednesday' ceremony..... We had been discussing what we hold onto the most for a few weeks and I never really thought I held onto to anything or anyone. After a few minutes I wrote down what I needed to let go of on a piece of paper and set it aflame...the ashes then marked on my forehead....Ghosts of bad choices and haunts of what I do hold onto, unhealthy relationships.

Again, I'm new to all this but I do think anytime you come face to face with the person you actually are it can be powerful and heartbreaking. Our stories are the layering of the choices we make or don't make...regret is wasteful but looking back is necessary.

Thursday. I'm more conscious of my choice though hasn't really affected me... yet. I'm not willing to say I'm giving this up for 40 days as is 'the rule'... Those that know me know I'm pretty all or nothing. I am willing to say I might be letting this out of my life forever... or later pursuing it with abandon ...but over the next 40 days I will see how my life/thoughts/ actions change without it...

I suppose it would have been easier to give up unhealthy eating or shopping...both of which affect my life but to the surprise of my avoidance nature; this is what I think about, plan for and spend my days with and its a chapter I have to tell.