Monday, March 8, 2010

Seeing is believing

Over this glorious weekend I've had quite a few revelations...
1-I am living the same relationships over and over.
2-I'm digging chocolate cereal. Chocolate chex, chocolate cheerios.. its all kind of amazing.
3-For all my judgements of unhealthy relationships...I don't always bring healthy to the table.

It isn't kind to cultivate a friendship just so one will have an audience.
Lawanna Blackwell

19 days in and I've already stumbled.
No huge shocker I suppose, as I am quite familiar with the odds of me altering myself so ....easily.
Confession: I spent some time with some of those I was to be giving up.

Its strange because it wasn't as if I missed them so much as I was so used to the life and activities we created that I didn't want to miss that.
Funny thing is I realized I'm just as guilty as them for what our relationships have become.
I need to give up myself.
Since my days in high school (voted the friendliest, thank you) I have always had a way of befriending most anyone. No cliques, age, fashion choice, political party(ahem) could detract me from wanting to know people. This has always led to me have a variety of friends....which I think is somewhat good. I knew me...I wanted to know more than me. I was especially intrigued by strays...those brand new or without strong affiliation. Simply, those that wanted to be known. (I use the term stray as affectionately as possible...)
I've met a ton of fantastic people through this process but it has landed me in the same situation in most every city.... some friendships that make me feel tired, angry, lukewarm and sometimes lonely.
A friend (yes, I call God that) gently pointed out that fingerprints of my friends were all over me...which is such a beautiful image ....except for the smudgy, needy, greedy, doubtful ones that were just as prominent as the strong, funny, kind, faithful ones.
And I see that people change us all the time, leave their imprint in such a way as to cause us to see with great joy or great bitterness.
So now I'm being selective with my emotional real estate....and my time. God and I have had some great moments now that I've got more moments to give him. I know He gave me the curiosity to know many and love much. I still want to favour as many strays as possible...but who I am has to be clearly visible through the fingerprints. And more importantly, I should be certain of what story my prints leave behind.

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