just because

Because I believe that love is more than a holiday.

Because I see love most in the smallest of gestures.

Because I am a follower of an impossible love story.

I'll wait. 

Arm-erd

Change is annoying, sweetly defining and necessary. You see I can be incredibly hard headed and unyielding, so certain that I can keep going in the wrong direction to make a point. Even if I know I need some help rarely do I ask (Its weird, am I really just a guy driver?). 
Some changes have occurred lately in my life and possibly more to come, I've been resisting that wanting somehow to predict/control/lessen them. I mean who doesn't, right?
This past Sunday Sin was the topic of discussion. Exciting I know. The point that I came to focus on was this "shame is a lie that changes who we are."
There are many more statements that lead you from sin to shame(and I recommend you check them out at midtown fellowship) but that is what I heard, down deep.
My first thought, "Are you kidding? What am I ashamed of? I'm a good person. Not a saint, but good. That's not me." But pretty soon I had tears in my eyes. I had been listening to lies about myself - you aren't successful, you aren't at all worthy, you aren't lovable-and it had changed me and made me ashamed.  Stronger still was my fear to admit it.

Pastor Randy asked  us to come take communion and for those struggling to kneel and lay it all down(as NEEDTOBREATHE would say). If we needed help we could cross our arms across our chest and someone would just pray for us. I got up, got in line -still so hard headed- when I got to the front I knelt and put ONE arm across my chest. It was literally a fight in my head and heart and I guess it came out as a tie. Gratefully, it was Pastor Randy there in front of me and he asked, does this mean you want me to pray for you? I nodded and he said many wonderful things, but most importantly He said what I needed to hear in his first sentence-"Your father wants you to know.. 

You are not alone. You were created with meaning and you are a favorite child that I value with my life."

That was enough for me. Maybe you don't have to have the answer to feel better. Maybe I should ask for help more often. Maybe the ugly cry I had after that was just the beginning of more changes. What was beautiful was that even though I could only give one arm due to pride/shame/control, He still gave me what I needed to hear. I am still trying to give both arms...(which to top it off, means  I love you in sign language)

well-watered garden

So there are many times when I've second guessed myself; outfits I've worn that I seen pictures of and think what in the world....,words said that I rehash over and over, opportunities missed. I've come to realize that I'm still really trying to do the 'right' thing. Still looking for the pot at the end of the rainbow, walk that perfect line. Find the perfect person for me. Its such a shame and burden to think like that- its no wonder there isn't much satisfaction to be found. I want to be enough, all I'm meant to be.....will I get there despite myself?

I did not know I had these walls to break, still.

I'm thankful God always has a way of nudging me forward.

who I am

who I am by jgrace on Polyvore.com

Can I be happy in both? Does one make more since? Do I contradict myself?Very well then....

verily, verily

At times I can be a bit weighty in thought, overly analytical some say. But as more and more reports abound of war, unrest, destruction, hatred and vengeance....we as a society seem to carry on, unaffected or worse unaware. Simply, it seems everyone hates so many things/people/places. ..so much so we have forgotten there is something other than hatred to feel.

 My faith teaches me this seperation from goodness and kindness happens and everyone has a choice to live outside of hatred..but fewer and fewer are making that choice. There is an urgency humming in the world now that is different from what I've felt before. I think of the old Hymn sung at my parents wedding, Surely the presence of the Lord is in this place and pray for that with all my heart.

reaction time

Perhaps it is a self fulfilling prophecy. I recently injured myself.

I could go on but basically, its my toe and it hurts.

What hurts a little more is what the nurse practitioner said when I explained what happened,

"your reaction time must be delayed."

Um ok. We all know I'm a bit clumsy but to call me delayed in anything really chapped me. I have no idea why- its certainly possible- but the thoughts of all the stories/plans/ideas that I have on delay started popping in my head...and I wondered if the answer was simply, my reaction time is delayed.

Perhaps that will ease the pain a bit? Will God get a laugh out of that?

I asked her how exactly one could test their reaction time as I was at the very most determined to be mediocre.

Maybe my quick wit was lost on her. ;)

bent out of shape

bent out of shape by jgrace featuring art deco bracelets