well-watered garden

So there are many times when I've second guessed myself; outfits I've worn that I seen pictures of and think what in the world....,words said that I rehash over and over, opportunities missed. I've come to realize that I'm still really trying to do the 'right' thing. Still looking for the pot at the end of the rainbow, walk that perfect line. Find the perfect person for me. Its such a shame and burden to think like that- its no wonder there isn't much satisfaction to be found. I want to be enough, all I'm meant to be.....will I get there despite myself?

I did not know I had these walls to break, still.

I'm thankful God always has a way of nudging me forward.

who I am

who I am by jgrace on Polyvore.com

Can I be happy in both? Does one make more since? Do I contradict myself?Very well then....

verily, verily

At times I can be a bit weighty in thought, overly analytical some say. But as more and more reports abound of war, unrest, destruction, hatred and vengeance....we as a society seem to carry on, unaffected or worse unaware. Simply, it seems everyone hates so many things/people/places. ..so much so we have forgotten there is something other than hatred to feel.

 My faith teaches me this seperation from goodness and kindness happens and everyone has a choice to live outside of hatred..but fewer and fewer are making that choice. There is an urgency humming in the world now that is different from what I've felt before. I think of the old Hymn sung at my parents wedding, Surely the presence of the Lord is in this place and pray for that with all my heart.

reaction time

Perhaps it is a self fulfilling prophecy. I recently injured myself.

I could go on but basically, its my toe and it hurts.

What hurts a little more is what the nurse practitioner said when I explained what happened,

"your reaction time must be delayed."

Um ok. We all know I'm a bit clumsy but to call me delayed in anything really chapped me. I have no idea why- its certainly possible- but the thoughts of all the stories/plans/ideas that I have on delay started popping in my head...and I wondered if the answer was simply, my reaction time is delayed.

Perhaps that will ease the pain a bit? Will God get a laugh out of that?

I asked her how exactly one could test their reaction time as I was at the very most determined to be mediocre.

Maybe my quick wit was lost on her. ;)

bent out of shape

bent out of shape by jgrace featuring art deco bracelets

Fake expectations

" I went to sleep and dreamed my whole life, now I'm just waiting for it to happen." me, age 10

Besides being a ominous sign of the next 20 years of my life, this is one of the sole sources of my condition of expectation.
Throughout my friendships, counseling books, bible studies and(the mecca of human behavior analysis)retail, I've yet to fully grasp why we expect so much or little as the case may be.
Why we like to write the night before it happens or predict disinterest before it shows up.
I know control hides out in the foundation of this but it certainly feels like more. Disappointment sucks.  Its the thing I try to avoid the most and why...its not what I dreamed? That's just crazy talk , right?

I tend to find myself feeling this little flicker of a feeling on more days than I care to note.
There are tangible moments ...and I don't even know why I'm disappointed/surprised/flattered....It really takes me time to think about it...and then convince myself to not think about again.

Is it ingrained, taught, fostered, created...or is it a defensive act to show preparation?
Is it stopping me?

Do we all have these fake expectations--or are we all simply  either a disappointment to some and a joy to others?

Truthfully- my expectations have been surpassed as many times as they have fallen...kind gestures in adverse situations, thoughtfulness from an absent mind, even success in a oppressive environment....but this is still an alteration on the advanced plan I had for this specific moment.

We create our expectations. We make people into characters, moments into meaning, words into feelings. If I'm disappointed its because I wrote the story differently from how God wrote it. (ahem and He is a best seller.) So I guess its time to edit. 

Rise and Shine

Sometimes, we have no idea.
The reasons behind ones comment, the strength of such an unassuming person, the capacity of such a thing as water. At face value these don't add up but what glimmers beyond the surface compels us to wake up and take notice.
I'm in a new place, figuratively and literally(though just temporarily). Often a champion naysayer I have recently opted for a brighter view. When this event(its more than a flood) happened I immediately wrote it off as a complete loss. Certain. Beautifully, friends and neighbors became arc's.  Strength, kindness, fear and peace was lying behind most every surface. Layers  I hadn't bothered to look at before. And I had no idea how miraculously lucky I would be.
There are a host of  educated people that tell you fear compels us to do most everything. I can't disagree entirely- but I can say I am compelled by greatness of others. To aspire to be like ones I have witnessed.
It is a grand thing when someone exceeds your expectations. Grander still to rise above yourself and surpass what you thought possible. Sometimes, we have no idea.

Nashville's history is steeped with battles, melodies, difficulties and dreamers.
As our water rose so did the since of duty, kindness and brotherly love. To see a town and communities within - just go and do what needed to be done- was so incredibly encouraging and necessary. Main stream media might not have cared, some people might feel indifferent about a country town but if you ask this girl, on this occasion, Nashville rises and shines.

The occasion is piled high with difficulty[and possibility] and we must rise high with the occasion. Abraham Lincoln