Castle made of sand

It went better than I thought.
Telling someone you are giving them up for 40 days can be a bit harsh..but he understood me and my motivations so well it made me sad, determined and a little more confused.
See for most-unhealthy means abusive, derogatory and/or manipulative. Sadly, I believe in that definition but I also know the stealth unhealthy...the kind that makes you tired to be around them(more on this another time), the kind that somehow influences your views, conversations and free time. The one in your life you haven't been with for two years but you still feel emeshed with and though you say you are ready for a relationship...he is still the one you are in a relationship with.

Now mind you I can flip a thought or relationship over and over in my head, washing all the depth and meaning off like the tide rolling away the sand. So what I consider unhealthy others might not...and vice versa.
Oddly, we both get we need this evaluation time....for two people that are as "fundamentally different" as we are, we have to know if this is just comfortable for us now. We all do this sometimes...this staying because its easy, its familiar and because we think we are too old/too picky/too busy to try again with someone new.
It makes it a little easier because (as God would have it)...he is out of town for the next month. Currently I'm anxious, more than a little sad and already becoming more introspective(that could be trouble)...I'm thankful for friends that lighten my load, laugh at me and keep me sane. In 24 hrs I've learned I am so appreciative of the way in which someone can know me and my tremendous quirks and pursuit of truth and still love me with such depth.

the way we were

Wouldn't it be lovely if we were old? We'd have survived all this.
And everything would be easy and uncomplicated, the way it was when we were young- Katie, It was never uncomplicated. But it was lovely, wasn't it? Yes, It was lovely.

In my quest of facing my relationships it just so happened facebook was the mirror to my most unhealthiest of all.

There HE was in the right column, my friend suggestion....and after a quick thought I clicked on him.... and its funny how something can seem soooo long ago and yet so recent....The ring on his finger didn't hurt like I thought it would.. it just made him look like a totally different person, not the person I had always imagined him to be. And as all the memories, words and choices came like colored flashes in my mind a familiar feeling was in my stomach...regret.

(And this is the part no one says or agrees with)...I regret the choices I made.

I realize that those choices made me who I am...but I still think I need to regret them to make sure I never do them again....how to you not regret touching a hot stove and burning yourself?

Yes, for a time it was grand...until I let it come between the most important things to me. I'm not trying to be overly dramatic but from a girl that has had a few long term relationships..there are no other regrets. No other times where I did not know, nor like at the end, who I was.

I have to say there is no blame here...many times two healthy people can come together and become very unhealthy...its just the mixing of wrong ingredients...and in comparison I'm proud of who I have become...the choices I have made and how the 'unhealthy' in my life now is so much tamer than that.

So far this experiment has made me realize why my 'healthy' has been set where it is in my life...and why, for a season, my light was dimmed.
Now the enrichment so many bring to my life far outweighs those that might diminish.
And to you, your girl is lovely.

Giving up the ghosts

Yes, I stole that from Brandi Carlile....but I like to consider her AMAZING show the other night my inspiration point so all forgiven, right? .. more on that a bit later..

This is the time of year when many people give up 'bad' things/choices/people for a certain amount of time for a type of penitence. Being raised a Baptist I never experienced Ash Wednesday and Lent....though I have always been quite curious about the ritual. So, just as life would have it...inspiration and action coincided....and I am one day into giving up my ghosts.

Tuesday. It started on a cold night in a warm theater hearing a skilled voice telling the truth in such a way you couldn't not hear it. It reminded me we are all simply and grandly storytellers. Some of us much more resistant to share and in return less prone to live. So, being inspired by talent and truth I decided to find a way to clean out some tangled thoughts and start piecing together my story.
(I was kinda hoping I've have some time before I actually had to do that.)

Wednesday. Yep. The very next night I got together with some new friends for a weekly study and much to my surprise we had an intimate 'Ash Wednesday' ceremony..... We had been discussing what we hold onto the most for a few weeks and I never really thought I held onto to anything or anyone. After a few minutes I wrote down what I needed to let go of on a piece of paper and set it aflame...the ashes then marked on my forehead....Ghosts of bad choices and haunts of what I do hold onto, unhealthy relationships.

Again, I'm new to all this but I do think anytime you come face to face with the person you actually are it can be powerful and heartbreaking. Our stories are the layering of the choices we make or don't make...regret is wasteful but looking back is necessary.

Thursday. I'm more conscious of my choice though hasn't really affected me... yet. I'm not willing to say I'm giving this up for 40 days as is 'the rule'... Those that know me know I'm pretty all or nothing. I am willing to say I might be letting this out of my life forever... or later pursuing it with abandon ...but over the next 40 days I will see how my life/thoughts/ actions change without it...

I suppose it would have been easier to give up unhealthy eating or shopping...both of which affect my life but to the surprise of my avoidance nature; this is what I think about, plan for and spend my days with and its a chapter I have to tell.

What I learned from the roo

Earlier this year I committed to say yes more this year....due to missed opportunities, stagnant curiousity and my stirring restlessness in the same.
It continues to be incredibly hard for me to do......its almost like a speciality Tourettes syndrome-no, no, no. So when an opportunity to do something I WOULD NEVER DO came up over the weekend I tried to regain my footing.... perhaps there have been no major changes because I haven't stepped out of my box.
So I went to bonnaroo...a music fest here in little tennessee.... very hippie scene for those that don't know- spoken word mikes, music 24/7, hemp, flip flops galore, jam fest, body odor, brotherly love, porta potty's- Most of which I was resistant to...But because I have a GREAT friend that challenges me to be more in several ways...I braided my hair, packed extra deodorant, wore a long hippie dress and headed out. What I found when I got there was (almost)worth the three trips to a porta-potty:

Few things influence people as much as music. Some people just don't like clothes and prefer paint. Free drinks are great. The brain/memory power behind over 80,000 people knowing the lyrics to every song is ridiculous....and should be fostered into something. Being outdoors is amazing. A hammock outdoors is heaven. What some would see as a farm others see as a HUGE moneymaker. Hippies are usually nice. There are all kinds of interesting people out there-meet some. Sani-wipes saved my life. Sometimes a simple guitar and great lyrics are all you need. There are times when being herded like cows is ok...and sometimes not.

Most importantly, I have an appreciation for friends, even more respect for artists, a love of community, and a blister from my flip-flops....just because I said yes.

Wait and See

Admittedly, I am a seasoned waiter.

I've been waiting to be inspired to write another blog (therefore the 2 month delay)- a flaw that shows up all too much in my life; waiting to buy til its better, waiting to open up when its easier, waiting to decide til there's a sign....

We all spend time waiting- a lot of it explainable- waiting for our name to be called, waiting on our food to cook;) , waiting on the plane to land. There are times though when we dance between waiting and avoiding; we wait for it to get better or worse, we wait for a better job, for the weather to get better, for prices to go down and I wonder how many months and years accumulate in this time of inaction...As it has been said, waiting is an action- its choosing to do nothing.

Today I was not inspired but I thought I would simply choose to do more...and stop waiting so much. Patience still dances around somewhere between the waiting and I'm not sure exactly how to know when I'm being inactive and when I'm learning patience ...guess I'll just have to wait to find out. ;)

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. Fran Lebowitz

For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting. Robert Benchley

Introduction : (I'm old school)

I never thought I'd write a blog. I thought it was for people who just couldn't get enough of themselves and no one would listen to them anymore.
So...either I have grown up and seen a new perspective or I am one of those people that love myself too much....I'm avoiding answering that.

I have weak ankles, a critical spirit, poor balance, an imperfect heart, and my father's eyes. All of which contribute to my general tendency to stumble...
Thankfully I believe in grace and mercy, ace bandages and contacts so I manage to keep going. Along the way I've met lovely and amazing people, seen crazy beautiful things and had many a perfectly ordinary meal.

What you will find here are rather curious observations, an occasional rant and the truth of a girl that sometimes falls down.