reaction time

Perhaps it is a self fulfilling prophecy. I recently injured myself.

I could go on but basically, its my toe and it hurts.

What hurts a little more is what the nurse practitioner said when I explained what happened,

"your reaction time must be delayed."

Um ok. We all know I'm a bit clumsy but to call me delayed in anything really chapped me. I have no idea why- its certainly possible- but the thoughts of all the stories/plans/ideas that I have on delay started popping in my head...and I wondered if the answer was simply, my reaction time is delayed.

Perhaps that will ease the pain a bit? Will God get a laugh out of that?

I asked her how exactly one could test their reaction time as I was at the very most determined to be mediocre.

Maybe my quick wit was lost on her. ;)

bent out of shape

bent out of shape by jgrace featuring art deco bracelets

Fake expectations

" I went to sleep and dreamed my whole life, now I'm just waiting for it to happen." me, age 10

Besides being a ominous sign of the next 20 years of my life, this is one of the sole sources of my condition of expectation.
Throughout my friendships, counseling books, bible studies and(the mecca of human behavior analysis)retail, I've yet to fully grasp why we expect so much or little as the case may be.
Why we like to write the night before it happens or predict disinterest before it shows up.
I know control hides out in the foundation of this but it certainly feels like more. Disappointment sucks.  Its the thing I try to avoid the most and why...its not what I dreamed? That's just crazy talk , right?

I tend to find myself feeling this little flicker of a feeling on more days than I care to note.
There are tangible moments ...and I don't even know why I'm disappointed/surprised/flattered....It really takes me time to think about it...and then convince myself to not think about again.

Is it ingrained, taught, fostered, created...or is it a defensive act to show preparation?
Is it stopping me?

Do we all have these fake expectations--or are we all simply  either a disappointment to some and a joy to others?

Truthfully- my expectations have been surpassed as many times as they have fallen...kind gestures in adverse situations, thoughtfulness from an absent mind, even success in a oppressive environment....but this is still an alteration on the advanced plan I had for this specific moment.

We create our expectations. We make people into characters, moments into meaning, words into feelings. If I'm disappointed its because I wrote the story differently from how God wrote it. (ahem and He is a best seller.) So I guess its time to edit. 

Rise and Shine

Sometimes, we have no idea.
The reasons behind ones comment, the strength of such an unassuming person, the capacity of such a thing as water. At face value these don't add up but what glimmers beyond the surface compels us to wake up and take notice.
I'm in a new place, figuratively and literally(though just temporarily). Often a champion naysayer I have recently opted for a brighter view. When this event(its more than a flood) happened I immediately wrote it off as a complete loss. Certain. Beautifully, friends and neighbors became arc's.  Strength, kindness, fear and peace was lying behind most every surface. Layers  I hadn't bothered to look at before. And I had no idea how miraculously lucky I would be.
There are a host of  educated people that tell you fear compels us to do most everything. I can't disagree entirely- but I can say I am compelled by greatness of others. To aspire to be like ones I have witnessed.
It is a grand thing when someone exceeds your expectations. Grander still to rise above yourself and surpass what you thought possible. Sometimes, we have no idea.

Nashville's history is steeped with battles, melodies, difficulties and dreamers.
As our water rose so did the since of duty, kindness and brotherly love. To see a town and communities within - just go and do what needed to be done- was so incredibly encouraging and necessary. Main stream media might not have cared, some people might feel indifferent about a country town but if you ask this girl, on this occasion, Nashville rises and shines.

The occasion is piled high with difficulty[and possibility] and we must rise high with the occasion. Abraham Lincoln

Spring of my content

Something about being home. Where memories infiltrate your senses at the local bakery, the river's edge, the front porch.

Being in a place where you made plans and dreamed of more. Where you decided who you want to be and how you want to live. 

An emotional split screen moment - me, as a  17 y/o girl and me as a 34 y/o woman.

(This is where I would insert a picture but the internet lives forever and I'm not going to do it;)

Some things are not that terribly different, some things are. I have a better car(green fiero- silver jetta), hairstyle(ok thats subjective) and sense of self now. My legs are not the dancers of before, and my skin shouldn't see any more sun. I was hopelessly romantic, now I'm hopelessly doubtful. I still say ma'am and sir. Though I've found faster paces I still believe in a nice stroll and conversation.

Its here where I see most clearly the life I chose not to have....and more than I care to admit, I question it.  I think about my family, my life and how different it would be if ......but I trust God works even when I have my blinders on.

One thing for sure, the love for my family grows exponentially. We went to the coast and walked on the shore, ate fresh seafood and enjoyed one another. I finally learned how to make mom's biscuits. I finished two books in the home where I've read hundreds. I found an old letter that broke my heart. I slept safe, without a care. I made efforts to see people that can speak to who I've always been.

Most importantly I've come round to find contentment in a town, for a time I wanted distance from.

Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived light in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done?

Matthew Arnold

Exfoliate.Rinse.Repeat as Necessary.

Thou shalt fight as a flower fighteth upwards through the stones to

flower in the sun at last...

D.H Lawrence

On this first day of spring Wikipedia tells me what to expect.
(Transition period. Rebirth, renewal and regrowth.)

Trina Paulas gives me hope.
(Caterpillar. More. Butterfly.)

And I feel ..well exfoliated.

Throughout this period much shedding seems to be occurring in many areas of my life...

Some of it by choice, some to my resistance and most for the better. I am always at battle with my skin. I will never be satisfied with the way it looks or the way I can't seem to conceal my flaws. So the chance of sanding it off for something better is more than appealing..and slightly irritating.

In Life I'm at the great layer(that I often get to before the burn) where I'm reading fantastic books, forgoing(some) tv for crafting, spending time with God and setting some plans in action. I don't really have many goals I've set in life which most people find shocking. I just always thought I was supposed to live and do what God led me to do. If I expected or planned anything I thought it would just fail. Though I can't tell you the origin of that thinking I can say its been nice..(seeing the world as wide open with chance) and limiting..(but how do I choose). On any given day I could agree to do missions and move away, start a retail store, get married, adopt kids, become a nun, write a novel or run for office. I know, you see that as perhaps indicative of a mental illness...but what I get from that is I'm not looking for happiness or purpose. I've got it, Thank God.What I do will never matter as much as who I am. I just need to get better aim(or gps).


I'm hoping this scrub down will be a bit more lasting than my other attempts. Removing tough, damaged skin makes me more sensitive, prone to being burned and I'm not comfortable that way...But I suppose if I wanted to be comfortable I would be a person that wears sweats or crocs...and that I would never do;)

Seeing is believing

Over this glorious weekend I've had quite a few revelations...
1-I am living the same relationships over and over.
2-I'm digging chocolate cereal. Chocolate chex, chocolate cheerios.. its all kind of amazing.
3-For all my judgements of unhealthy relationships...I don't always bring healthy to the table.

It isn't kind to cultivate a friendship just so one will have an audience.
Lawanna Blackwell

19 days in and I've already stumbled.
No huge shocker I suppose, as I am quite familiar with the odds of me altering myself so ....easily.
Confession: I spent some time with some of those I was to be giving up.

Its strange because it wasn't as if I missed them so much as I was so used to the life and activities we created that I didn't want to miss that.
Funny thing is I realized I'm just as guilty as them for what our relationships have become.
I need to give up myself.
Since my days in high school (voted the friendliest, thank you) I have always had a way of befriending most anyone. No cliques, age, fashion choice, political party(ahem) could detract me from wanting to know people. This has always led to me have a variety of friends....which I think is somewhat good. I knew me...I wanted to know more than me. I was especially intrigued by strays...those brand new or without strong affiliation. Simply, those that wanted to be known. (I use the term stray as affectionately as possible...)
I've met a ton of fantastic people through this process but it has landed me in the same situation in most every city.... some friendships that make me feel tired, angry, lukewarm and sometimes lonely.
A friend (yes, I call God that) gently pointed out that fingerprints of my friends were all over me...which is such a beautiful image ....except for the smudgy, needy, greedy, doubtful ones that were just as prominent as the strong, funny, kind, faithful ones.
And I see that people change us all the time, leave their imprint in such a way as to cause us to see with great joy or great bitterness.
So now I'm being selective with my emotional real estate....and my time. God and I have had some great moments now that I've got more moments to give him. I know He gave me the curiosity to know many and love much. I still want to favour as many strays as possible...but who I am has to be clearly visible through the fingerprints. And more importantly, I should be certain of what story my prints leave behind.